I might be a self-centered, over-confident psycopath – but I’m happy

This time when I was in Delhi, I got to spend a lot of time with 2 of my very old friends. We have known each other for more then 15 years now. We spent hours talking about all the good and the bad things we have done together and how life has changed for all of us. And both of them agreed that among the three of us, I’m the one who’s changed completely – specially in last 5-6 years. And in their opinion, I haven’t changed for good. They thought I was a much better friend and a human being before.

The other day, while working till late, I met another friend online. She was one of my best buddies during my initial years in Mumbai – one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Now she is settled in US. During the course of our conversation, she told me that at times she feels she doesn’t know me anymore. She was also very sure that I’m no longer the Pratyush she knew.

Last Wednesday, I didn’t feel like going home early. So I called a lady who’s become a very good friend of mine lately. She took me to this very nice place for wine and dinner. After a few glasses of wine, she somehow started on how she’s seen me changing in last 2 year. She thought I was much more charming and fun to be with when we met initially. She thought I was more receptive to other people’s ideas, feelings and opinions when she met me around 2 years ago. She thought I’ve shut myself off from most of the people around me and have become extremely moody.

My cousin, who’s been staying with me for 10 years now, often says that I’m a ’self-centered and over-confident Psychopath’. He thinks lately I’ve become too self-centered, selfish and emotionless and have no feelings for others around me.

My best friend often tells me that I’ve changed a lot. I’m no more the patient, responsible guy who would think of everyone around him, make plans accordingly and make sure that everyone is happy. She thinks I’ve lost the art of listening and analyzing situations keeping myself out of the equation.

I do agree with her, and everyone else. After all, these are the people who have been close to me for years and know me well enough to pass their judgment on me. These are the people who have seen me changing over the years.

And yes, if I think about it, I have changed a lot over the years. I’m no longer the guy who used to be loved by everyone. Yes, I’m more self-centered and selfish now. And yes, I’m far less accommodating and short tempered then what I was even a year ago.

And to be honest, I don’t know how, when and why did I change. And it wasn’t intentional for sure. Maybe, one thing led to another and I decided to be this new Pratyush. Or maybe, I was tired of being this nice guy, I was tired of being a good friend and a good human being all the time. And a part of it may also be attributed to the situations in life – as Victor Frankl once said,‘When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.’

I no longer want to think about others before taking a decision about my life. I no longer want to do things to make others happy. And maybe I don’t want to share my happiness or pain with others around me.

Just to give you an example, I no longer worry about the safety and security of the ladies with me when I go out partying. Instead, I’m among the first ones to gulp few glasses of wine and get high within minutes. I know I’m being selfish every time I do it – but the fact is that I enjoy the parties much more then I ever did. And I might not be the gentleman I once used to be when most of the times my Ladies’ friends drop me home after parties – but I do know that I enjoy every bit of it. In fact, I’ve never been a party animal but now I start making plans for the weekend on Monday itself – definitely not the perfect and nice guy I used to be – but somebody who enjoys himself without thinking much about making this world a better place to live.

Maybe I was always like this or maybe I always wanted to be like this. As it is said,’ What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.’

Yes I’ve changed a lot. And maybe even this phase will get over and I’ll again be the nice guy everyone wanted me to be. But till then, they will have to do with this ’self-centered, selfish and over-confident psychopath’

As George Bernard Shaw once said, ‘ The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.’