Choices we make

“The road not taken” by Robert Frost is one of my favorite poems. Its about the choices that we make and their impact on our lives.  Kahlil Gibran once said, “By making choices, we choose our joys and sorrows long before we experience it”.

We all, at one point or other, have made few very tough ‘life changing’ choices. But what exactly is a ‘tough’ choice? I always believed that I’ve made few very tough choices in life – till I met ‘Subbu’ yesterday.

Subbu is a taxi driver I met yesterday on my way to Bandra for a meeting. I was late for the meeting so I asked the taxi driver to hurry-up. In the process, Subbu, the taxi driver (he told me his name later), broke a signal only to be caught by a cop. Though I had not asked him to jump the signal, I decided to pay the Rs. 100 fine which was imposed on Subbu.

After thanking me and expressing his views on the cops (and the biased treatment he gets from them for not being a ‘marathi manoos‘), he asked me about my work. And when I told him I work in a Bank, he shared his experiences with me – how he really wanted an ‘ATM card’ because it makes him feel good, and a loan which he really needed and how he got neither. I, on my part, tried explaining the basic procedure and why he wouldn’t get a loan.

He just smiled at me and said, “Its ok Saab! I don’t need the loan anymore. And it was not going to solve my problems anyways – loan would ve been a temporary relief. And no amount of money would have helped me anyways.”

I didn’t want to react to it as I was trying to think about my meeting at Bandra. But when I saw him looking at me from the rear-view mirror, I gave him a sympathetic smile.

He paused for a moment, looked at me again and said, ” I’ve two children Saab – the elder one is 7 years old and is studying in Std. 1. The younger one started going to school last week. Both of them are in English medium school.” I could feel the sense of accomplishment in his last sentence when he mentioned ‘English medium’.

In order to keep it short, I smiled and said, “oh, so you wanted the loan for their education?”

“No Saab. That I can manage for now – thanks to my taxi. Few extra hours of work and I can pay for their fees”, he replied. “I wanted the loan for my younger sister who is 18 years old.”

“College fees?” I asked.

He was trying to overtake a municipality bus which had decided to stop in the middle of the road to offload few passengers. He just about managed before the bus could start again. Without looking at me, he said, ” No Saab, not for her college fees. There is no point sending her to college anymore. She has cancer.”

I wasn’t very sure how to react. I had come across such people who would come out with these stories in order to gain sympathy and some money. So I didn’t say anything.

“Few months ago, she had some problems. So we took her to a doctor.” Subbu continued, ” He sent us to a bigger hospital where she underwent some operation. The doctors told us that she will be ok soon. I spent all my savings within a week. It had taken me more then 10 years to save so much.”

I could see a smile on his face, as if he was laughing on himself and his fate. He seemed to be in his own world – not even bothered if I was paying attention to him or not (I was hoping he was paying attention on the road ahead – but he seemed to be doing well there, driving like an expert).

He paused for a moment while taking a left turn and then resumed his story, “We got her home after few days. But the treatment had done no good to her it seems. She was in so much of pain that we had to take her back to the doctors within a week. The doctors suggested another operation. But this time they didn’t promise anything. Instead, we were told that operation was her only hope to live a little longer.”

He shouted on an auto driver who overtook him from left. Both of us didn’t say a word for almost a minute. Then he started again, “No bank was ready to give me any loan. So I went back to my home town in Andhra Pradesh and managed to get some money from different sources. The operation was done only when I submitted the whole amount. The doctors told me that it was successful and I could take her home after a week. But as soon as we got her home, she started facing issues again. Apart from the operations cost, I was spending a lot of money on her daily medicines. But we knew that the medicines were only for temporary relief.”

By that time, it had started raining outside. So both of us rolled over the windows of the car. The silence inside the car did no good to the already tensed situation inside it. By now, I somehow knew that Subbu wasn’t just cooking stories to get some money from me. I looked at him through the rear-view mirror and our eyes met for a second. Those eyes were definitely not lying.

“Well Saab, I had other responsibilities too. My elder daughter was already studying and even the younger one was old enough to go to a school. All of us knew this cannot go on like this.” Subbu said, as a matter of fact. “I had to decide between another operation, knowing it wasn’t going to help, or the future of my children. I didn’t want to fight a losing battle at the cost of my children’s future. I had to make a choice between few days of my sister’s life and my children’s whole life. I decided to go with my children’s future.”

He was aware of the fact that I was looking at him through the rear-view mirror and suddenly I could feel that he was not very comfortable (maybe because of guilt). I looked outside the window. It was still raining and few of the street children were playing in the rains.

“Now both my children go to English medium school.” Subbu added, “My sister is still in pain but she knows the fact that spending money on operations would not have helped anyways. She is proud of the fact that my children can go to school because of this decision and she has stopped taking all the medicines herself except the pain killers. We all know her fate and we have accepted it.”

I was speechless and was trying very hard to look outside the window. We were at the signal just before my destination, waiting for the signal to turn green. Subbu turned around, looked at me, and said, ” I know what you must be thinking Saab. It was not an easy decision for me. But I knew I had to make a choice. And to be honest, things are much better now. There is no uncertainty now. I know the future of my children as well as my sister and we all have accepted it.”

I just nodded – didn’t know what to say. He smiled at me and got back to his work – driving – which would ensure good education to his children. We were about to reach when I managed to speak, ” I know few NGOs which might help your sister Subbu. We can try and get in touch with them.”

“Thanks a lot Saab, but guess its too late now,” He said, “She has reached a stage where she knows more about her chances then the doctors. And everytime I leave home in the morning, she hugs me and wishes me luck, with a smile on her face, as if she knows that I might not see her when I come back in the evening.”

With these words, he stopped the taxi in front of the building where I had to go for the meeting. For some weird reason, I couldn’t see him in his eyes. For some weird reason, I felt so small in front of him. All my problems in life felt so small. I didn’t even think about giving him some extra money. I didn’t want to insult myself by offering few hundred rupees to him.

I just looked at him for the last time. He smiled at me and said, ” Saab, sabke life mein ek aisa mauka aata hai jab usse dil per patthar rakh ker koi kadam uthana parta hai – aur uski life change ho jaati hai (Sir, once in a lifetime, everyone faces a situation where he has to make a very tough choice – and the choice he makes, changes his life forever)”

And as I entered the building, I was no more thinking about the meeting I was about to have. I was dreading the time when I’ll face a situation like Subbu, and will have to take a decision or make a choice – which will change my life forever.

 

I might be a self-centered, over-confident psycopath – but I’m happy

This time when I was in Delhi, I got to spend a lot of time with 2 of my very old friends. We have known each other for more then 15 years now. We spent hours talking about all the good and the bad things we have done together and how life has changed for all of us. And both of them agreed that among the three of us, I’m the one who’s changed completely – specially in last 5-6 years. And in their opinion, I haven’t changed for good. They thought I was a much better friend and a human being before.

The other day, while working till late, I met another friend online. She was one of my best buddies during my initial years in Mumbai – one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Now she is settled in US. During the course of our conversation, she told me that at times she feels she doesn’t know me anymore. She was also very sure that I’m no longer the Pratyush she knew.

Last Wednesday, I didn’t feel like going home early. So I called a lady who’s become a very good friend of mine lately. She took me to this very nice place for wine and dinner. After a few glasses of wine, she somehow started on how she’s seen me changing in last 2 year. She thought I was much more charming and fun to be with when we met initially. She thought I was more receptive to other people’s ideas, feelings and opinions when she met me around 2 years ago. She thought I’ve shut myself off from most of the people around me and have become extremely moody.

My cousin, who’s been staying with me for 10 years now, often says that I’m a ’self-centered and over-confident Psychopath’. He thinks lately I’ve become too self-centered, selfish and emotionless and have no feelings for others around me.

My best friend often tells me that I’ve changed a lot. I’m no more the patient, responsible guy who would think of everyone around him, make plans accordingly and make sure that everyone is happy. She thinks I’ve lost the art of listening and analyzing situations keeping myself out of the equation.

I do agree with her, and everyone else. After all, these are the people who have been close to me for years and know me well enough to pass their judgment on me. These are the people who have seen me changing over the years.

And yes, if I think about it, I have changed a lot over the years. I’m no longer the guy who used to be loved by everyone. Yes, I’m more self-centered and selfish now. And yes, I’m far less accommodating and short tempered then what I was even a year ago.

And to be honest, I don’t know how, when and why did I change. And it wasn’t intentional for sure. Maybe, one thing led to another and I decided to be this new Pratyush. Or maybe, I was tired of being this nice guy, I was tired of being a good friend and a good human being all the time. And a part of it may also be attributed to the situations in life – as Victor Frankl once said,‘When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.’

I no longer want to think about others before taking a decision about my life. I no longer want to do things to make others happy. And maybe I don’t want to share my happiness or pain with others around me.

Just to give you an example, I no longer worry about the safety and security of the ladies with me when I go out partying. Instead, I’m among the first ones to gulp few glasses of wine and get high within minutes. I know I’m being selfish every time I do it – but the fact is that I enjoy the parties much more then I ever did. And I might not be the gentleman I once used to be when most of the times my Ladies’ friends drop me home after parties – but I do know that I enjoy every bit of it. In fact, I’ve never been a party animal but now I start making plans for the weekend on Monday itself – definitely not the perfect and nice guy I used to be – but somebody who enjoys himself without thinking much about making this world a better place to live.

Maybe I was always like this or maybe I always wanted to be like this. As it is said,’ What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.’

Yes I’ve changed a lot. And maybe even this phase will get over and I’ll again be the nice guy everyone wanted me to be. But till then, they will have to do with this ’self-centered, selfish and over-confident psychopath’

As George Bernard Shaw once said, ‘ The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.’

You decide!

 

I was still in my dreams when my phone started ringing. I somehow managed to open one eye and checked the time first. It was almost noon. I saw the number which looked familiar. It was a Delhi number. I chose to ignore it and got back to sleep (I generally get up early but last night, which was a Saturday, a friend took me to Shiro and both of us had an amazing time there. It was almost early morning when she dropped me home.)

 

And the next day being a Sunday, I was in no mood to get up before evening. But the phone started ringing again. And this time, it was from my ex-girlfriend in Delhi. I reluctantly took the call. She had call to confirm my air tickets for Delhi (advantages of dating an air-hostess – you get free air tickets). I thanked her and promised to call later. And just when I was about to get back to sleep, the phone started ringing again (I honestly feel there should be a law banning people from making calls on Sunday mornings).

 

This time, it was a friend from Delhi. I ignored her calls for some time but when she kept trying, I took her call. She announced that she was in Mumbai and I should meet her at Grand Maratha for lunch. I tried every possible excuse but she was in no mood to give up. Apparently she wanted to discuss something very important with me and it could happen only over lunch and only at The Grand Maratha.

 

She is a good friend of mine and we have had some great time together in Mumbai and Delhi. And though I was in no mood, I had to drag myself out of the bed and get ready for the lunch.

 

And when I reached the place, I saw her sitting with a group of around 10 people. She introduced me to all of them. I knew a couple of them but the rest were strangers. And as soon as I settled down next to her, she asked me to come closer and then whispered, “I’m dating the guy sitting next to you. I really want to settle down now but am slightly confused if he is the right guy. And since you were around, I thought I’ll take your views.”

 

It took me a minute to figure out the whole thing. Apparently, the two have been dating for few months now and my friend wasn’t sure if the guy was “shadi material”. And though I should be the last one talking about or advising anyone on ’settling down’, my friends do trust my ability to judge people.

 

And even I trust myself when it comes to judging people. But this was a completely different issue. How could I judge somebody after spending few hours – and that too when it was such an important decision. I’ve dated women for years and was never sure if i could finally settle down with them.

 

Judging somebody based on few meetings is different from evaluating the person as a prospective life partner. And I honestly feel there is no definite answer to it – because there is nothing called a perfect partner.

 

So, nobody can actually advice you on this. You are the one who’s spent time with the person and hence you are the best judge. People can hook you up with somebody, but ’settling down’ with somebody is a big decision which nobody can take for you. At the end of the day, you are the one who has to spend your whole life with the person.

 

I’ve been in few serious relationships and personally I feel there is nothing called a perfect or a good match. Some of us go to the extreme in deciding whether someone is right or wrong for us. Some of us are on a quest to find that ‘perfect’ partner, our soulmate, who shares our every interest and belief. This is a completely unrealistic expectation.

 

Promising each other to spend the life together is the most difficult decision one can make. And yes, there is a good possibility that it might turn out to be a wrong decision. At the most, you can minimize the risk by thinking rationally (and not only emotionally – love alone cannot get you through).

 

There are so many things which go into a relationship besides love and sexual attraction. It requires compatibility, which does not necessarily mean sameness. As a couple, you have to share some similar likes and dislikes, and you have to enjoy doing many things together. But at the same time each of us has to maintain our individuality. It is what attracted us to each other in the first place. Our individuality does not mean that we have a completely separate life away from our partner. When two people have totally separate, independent lives, there is no relationship there – its just an arrangement.

 

To cut the long story short, its one of the most complicated decisions one has to make. But I honestly feel its better to chose the right partner and not the perfect partner. And there is no way anyone else can decide that for you – suggestions are always good but at the end of the day, you will have to trust your instincts.

 

And that day, after meeting that guy for some time, I honestly felt he was a nice man. But was he good for my friend – I have absolutely no clue. And thats precisely why I didn’t utter a word. In fact I left early knowing that the only thing that can help her decide was spending more time alone with him. Though my friend wasn’t too happy about the fact that I had no opinion – she told me I let her down. But I know that I had nothing to say – because its her life and she has to take the risk.

 

Guru and his proteges

 “A teacher’s purpose is not to create proteges in his own image, but to develop protéges who can create their own image.” – Kahlil Gibran

The other day, I was watching the “NewsHour Debate” on Times Now, where Arnab Goswami was discussing the situation in Pakistan with diplomats and journalists from both the countries. I try not to miss the NewsHour Debate, specially when its about Pakistan, which I guess is Arnab’s favorite topic.

During the commercial break, I noticed Dr. Pranab Roy discussing his favorite topic – elections, on NDTV. And if it wasn’t enough, we had Rajdeep Sardesai on CNN-IBN discussing his favorite topic Gujarat.

For almost an hour, I kept flipping channels trying to catch maximum of all the three programs. Three of the biggest names in the News genre, all debating their respective favorite topics, and at the same time – it couldn’t get better then this.

Pranab Roy, needless to say, is the Grand Old Man of Indian News channels. Almost everyone in my generation has grown up seeing him first on Doordarshan (that was very long ago though), Star News, and then finally, NDTV. I must admit that I’ve always been an admirer of his passion and values.

Both Rajdeep Sardesai and Arnab Goswami were loyal foot soldiers of Pranab Roy just few years ago, when they quit NDTV and joined rival organisations. Once upon a time, Rajdeep was the hottest journalists and anchors at NDTV in terms of public perception along with Barkha Dutt. And Arnab, despite his excitable tenor, was a rising star.

Hence, it was great to see all three battling it out on their respective channels. For years, I had believed that Pronab Roy was way above anyone else in that space (and I had reasons to believe that – both emotional and rational), followed by Rajdeep (he was always the second – in – command to Dr. Roy), and then Arnab (to be honest, it was only after his move to Times Now that I started counting him in the same league).

 

 

But that day, watching all three in action, confirmed what I knew, but didn’t want to believe. Pranab Roy looked suave no doubt, but he also looked like an ageing war horse. The natural flow, which came naturally to him, was missing. At times, he looked confused and indecisive during the debate (very unlike him).

 

 

Both Rajeev and Arnab, on the other hand, were amazingly impressive. They seemed very much the new faces of Indian News channels – fiery and aggressive but witty at the same time. They always looked to be in control – people who believe in journalism with valid arguments rather than creating noises and scandals, which makes them the current faces of emphatic and matured Indian journalism.

 

 

But I must admit, somewhere inside, I prefer watching Arnab over Rajdeep (maybe because he was always the underdog). Though, both of them have come a long way from their NDTV days where they used to be Dr. Roy’s proteges. I’ve absolutely no doubts in my mind that they have finally overshadowed their mentor. As Thomas Carruthers once said, “ A good mentor is one who makes himself progressively unnecessary.”

 

 

At the same time, according to an old Irish saying, “ A Mentor affects eternity. He can never tell when his influence stops.” And nobody will agree to it more then the two proteges. Both Arnab and Rajdeep openly acknowledge the role played by Dr. Roy in their professional lives and careers, as they perform their now immensely successful role as de facto leaders.

 

 

Pronab Roy, for so many years, has been the face of Indian News genre. But I guess the time has come for him to hand over the baton to his proteges. And even he will agree that both Arnab and rajdeep have come a long way. And I’m sure somewhere inside he knows it too and is very proud of his proteges.

 

 

Same old faces

 

“There are more then 100 snaps. But they all look familiar because of the same old faces. In fact I thought I have seen them before. We have so many snaps with the same people over the period of 5-6 years that they all look the same now”, said Shipra.

She was talking about the get-together at Sampu’s place last night. We had organized a house party at his place and all the old friends from our B-School were invited. And most of them turned up. Needless to say that it was a grand affair.

we all live in the same city but hardly meet (except for few individuals). We all have our own lives now and new people around us. Over the years, I’ve made many new friends and few of them are a part of my inner circle now. I go out, make plans and party with different people at different times. And as mentioned, few of these new friends have become an integral part of my life. Clint Eastwood once said, “ We need old friends to help us grow old and new friends to help us keep young”. With me, its exactly the opposite. I start feeling like a college kid the moment I meet these guys from my B-School.

People came and went. Few of them became my good friends and I lost few somewhere down the line. Things changed in my life – professional and personal. So many new friends, new women, new colleagues – some are still there, some went their own ways. But these people, whom I met years ago in my college, have always been there.

And I love the fact that I have so many snaps with the same set of people over a period of 6 years. It shows that even after so many years, after getting out of college, we still love being with each other. And its good to see everyone behaving like a kid whenever we meet.

And when Shipra mentioned this the next day, I realized that she is absolutely right. I’ve hundreds of snaps with Chopi, Sampu, Ships, Ruchira, Vinit, Sachin, Suhail and few others. The first ones were clicked way back in 2003. And over the last 6 years, we have had so many occasions to get together and click snaps – birthdays, marriages, break-ups, promotions, increments, house parties, daaru parties etc.

And I have almost all the snaps with me and I love seeing them at times. Because it makes me feel good –

Favorite people, favorite places

Favorite memories of the past

These are the joys of a lifetime

Things and memories that last.

I owe you my life gentlemen

 

Yesterday night, I watching the end of India-England cricket match when I got a call from one of my friends in Delhi. He wanted to know if I was ok as there were few reports of a possible gangwar in South Mumbai (he knew Leopold Cafe is one of my favorites places).

 

It was only after his call that I switched to news channels. They had few unconfirmed reports of firing at the Leopold Cafe. But soon there were few other reports and within an hour, we all realized that we are at it again. It was confirmed that it was a terrorist attack.

 

And to be honest, I thought it was too filmy to be true. It resembled one of those movies from 80’s where we would see the bad men coming from those speed boats and then use the open jeeps to fire at helpless people with their Machine Guns.

 

And then the shocking news came. Three of Mumbai Police’s best men, ATS Chief Hemant Karkare, ACP Ashok Kampte and Encounter Specialist Vijay Salaskar were shot dead by the terrorists.

 

Moments ago, one of the TV channels was showing live pictures of the ATS chief wearing safety gears. And suddenly we came to know that he was dead. It was only then that we realized the enormity of the situation. All kinds of news were coming from all the possible sources.

 

I was just switching channels – didn’t know how to react. I did call or message almost everyone I knew to confirm if people I knew were safe. Almost everyone except a friend was at home. This friend of mine was at Leopold when this happened and when I called him, he was too nervous to talk. He just said that he was ok and that they were kept under heavy police protection in South Mumbai itself.

 

Even I got hundreds of call from people all over including US, Australia, Spain and UK. I told them all not to worry about me because I was safe at home – far away from ground zero, where few men were risking their lives to save others. Few brave men, who were throwing themselves in the line of fire so that people like me could be safe.

 

And when I was tired of watching those visuals, I decided to sleep – because I had to get up early in the morning and go to work. Even I had to play my part. Those brave men were also doing their work.

 

The only difference was that I work so that I could get the fat salary at the end of the month – and honestly, beyond a point, the work doesn’t matter. Its the money that I work for. But these men, who get much less then what I get (in terms of money), work in order to make sure that people like me can use our money to spend on shopping, partying and everything else to make our lives better.

 

Yesterday, I could sleep peacefully, far away from ground zero, knowing that I was safe, because people like ATS Chief Hemant Karkare, ACP Ashok Kampte and Encounter Specialist Vijay Salaskar, along with few other brave men, gave their lives to make sure that people like me could sleep well.

 

These men died for people like me. And here I was – sleeping in my bed so that I could get up the next day and go to work, in order to earn my fat salary.

 

The life-saver ‘pill’

 

If I’ve to make a list of few of the most dreaded things I’ve ever heard in my life, then the number one spot unarguably goes to “Baby I still haven’t gotten my periods”.

 

Over the years, I’ve heard this quite a few times and I did (almost) shit in my pants every time after hearing this. And then the first reaction is to recollect all the possible ‘dates’.

 

The worst part of the whole saga is that you are supposed to be calm and cool. That too when, for some weird reason, you are made out to be the culprit – an irresponsible man!

 

And if you actually manage to (atleast) look calm and composed, then you are again branded as an irresponsible man who is not bothered.

 

Its a catch 22 situation for the man. You cannot ask her to wait for a couple of days more (in that case, again, you don’t seem to be bothered and hence you are irresponsible). And if you make the mistake of suggesting a pregnancy test kit immediately, only god can save you. And you are again an irresponsible man because just a moment ago you were very confident that nothing of that sort can happen because you know what you have done (or haven’t done).

 

And no matter how confident you are, the fact is that you actually shit in your pants till the time you get to hear the ‘good news’ (its negative or I got my periods today).

 

And that’s why I feel that an I-pill (or any other ‘night after’ contraceptive pill) is one of the best inventions by ‘man’kind. At least in the cases where you know you have definitely made the ‘mistake’.

 

I’m sure we all have thanked the ‘pill’ at some point of our lives because we all make ‘mistakes’ at times – knowingly or unknowingly. It has at least helped me few times – from my birthday few years ago till this birthday. It has been a life saver to say the least.

 

And when I think about all the options available to us today, I wonder what we would do in absence of such options like pills or condoms. Or what people did before these ‘life savers’ came into existence. And just for the curiosity sake, I googled it. And I came across few of the ‘natural methods’ like –

• Calender method : we all know what is it and most of us use it to fullest

• Temperature method : god only knows what it is – in my case, the temperature is always high

• Cervical mucus method : Name is so complicated – wonder what the method would be

• Combined method : whatever it is, there is nothing like a ‘combined’ method. You are the only one responsible / irresponsible

• Lactational amenorrhoea : Its of no use to us anyways

• Withdrawal method : haah!

 

Looking at all the possible options that people had earlier, we must thank our stars for potential life savers like the condoms and the pills. I can only imagine how the life would be without these. Imagine using the cervical mucus method (whatever it is) if you want to make out with your girl. Or if you actually act irresponsible and make ‘the mistake’. In such a scenario, every time you meet your girl, you would be shitting in your pants – because there would be very good chances of you hearing those dreaded words more often – “ Baby I still haven’t gotten my periods”.

 

When did an Omega become a necessity?

 

“Not understanding life, we think objects will fill us, but its a cycle. A never ending wants for materials, that fill us for a second and leave us empty, wanting more”

 

Yesterday, I bought an expensive sofa-cum-double bed for myself. This was an addition to an expensive double door wardrobe which I bought last month. I’m also contemplating buying an LCD TV this weekend. I have also ‘almost’ bought a car few times before changing my mind at the last moment.

 

Infact, last week I was discussing the idea of buying a car (finally) with my friend and she asked me why wasn’t I buying a “Big car”. I guess she’s almost convinced me to buy a big car now (and I have a feeling its gonna be very very soon).

 

What it also means is that soon I’ll have all the ‘basic necessities” that a man needs to live. I already have the basics like an AC, refrigerator, washing machine, etc. In fact, I have two washing machines as i recently replaced my semi automatic washing machine with a fully automatic one (its easier to handle then the semi automatic one).

 

And yesterday, while lying on my new comfortable double bed, I was thinking that now I almost have all the basic necessities required to set up a house. And the next step would be my own house (my big dream).

 

And suddenly, for some reason, my Pune life flashed before my eyes. The best years of my life and I did well without the so called ‘basic necessities’ of life. For so many years, I slept on a matress, washed my own cloths, never even thought about an AC or a refrigerator, and roamed around the city on my bike. And those were the best years of my life. Its not that I couldn’t afford all these, but I never needed them to make my life better (or to feel that my life is better). I was anyways just too happy and at peace with my mind.

 

And then it struck me – when did an AC, refrigerator, expensive wardrobe and bed, washing machine and big car became the ‘basic necessities”? And lets be honest – almost all of treat these things as basic necessities these days.

 

And its not only about a car or a washing machine. I cannot speak for everyone but I can see my approach changing. Just to give you an example, the other day I was at a mall and I liked a Guess watch. But I didn’t buy it because I know my next watch is going to be an Omega. And don’t even ask me why – I myself don’t know. There was a time when I use to flaunt my Timex watch (though its still one of my favorites). But now when I go out for dinners and parties, I don’t even feel like wearing the Swatch or the Tommy watch. For some weird reason it has to be an Armani or a Rado or an Omega (and I don’t even know when did I start thinking like that).

 

I remember my friends in college always used to say that I smell good all the time. Thanks to the Park Avenue perfumes I used to buy from NDA canteen at a subsidized rate. And now my wardrobe consist of Armani, Varsace, Ferrari and Hugo perfumes but nobody has complimented me on it.

 

The other day, my cousin was in town. He wanted a shirt and I asked him to check the wardrobe and take whatever he likes. After few minutes, he came back and said-

“I’m confused. How do you decide what do you want to wear? Bro, when I have to go out, I wear one of 3 denims that I have, wear my only belt with the black shoes and one of the few t-shirts that I have. And I’m all set for the party. You have dozens of shirts, trousers, t-shirts, more then 50 ties, almost a dozen belts and even more footwear. How the hell do you decide? My life is so much better then yours.”

 

And I realised what he was saying made sense. I’m slowly getting into a trap and there is no end to it. I’ve started believing that these luxuries are necessities. I’m not saying that I should not buy an Omega watch or a big car. But the moment these become necessities, the joy of having arrived gives way to satisfaction (I’m not even sure if it gives me any satisfaction) of getting something which anyways was the basic necessity.

 

What it also means is that I’m not appreciating whatever I have and I’m yearning for more. There is no harm in dreaming big and aspiring for the luxuries of life. But then you should learn to appreciate whatever you have and enjoy it rather then march ahead for something better in life. Specially when you don’t even know what are you looking for finally.

 

There is no end to this. I’ll keep running after all these materialistic things in life and keep raising the bar for myself. Few years ago, if i was told that I’ll have a house with all the luxuries (or basic necessities – its how you look at it), wear designer cloths and accessories, drive my own car to party at the most expensive places in the town and swap my Platinum credit card for thousands of rupees without even thinking twice – I would have taken it gladly. It sounds like a perfect world – all that i ever dreamt of.

 

But today, I’m a slave of my own desire to get more of the materialistic world. And to be very honest, I don’t know why or for whom. Am I trying to prove a point to myself or to the world?

 

The best days of my life were spent without the expensive furnitures, AC, washing machines or a car. I was so comfortable in those lose fit old jeans and black shirts with the floaters. And I was no less a Tom Cruise myself in those inexpensive aviators sunglasses. And I took a few very pretty ladies out for coffee and dinner dates on my old bike.

 

And at the end, after the hectic but exciting day, I used to come back to my house and sleep on the mattress – happy, content and peaceful. I’m not sure if my new expensive sofa-cum-double bed will give me the same comfort and peace when I get back home after working hard the whole day so that i can pay for these basic necessities.

 

In the end, I’ll like to leave you all with the harsh reality of our lives – something that I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs (The rat race) also –

 

“Leaving the house in the morning, dressed in clothes that you bought on credit card for work, driving through the traffic in a car that you are still paying for, putting in petrol that you cannot afford, in order to get to the job that you hate but need it so badly so that you can pay for the clothes, car, petrol and the house that you leave empty the whole day, in order to live in it”

 

Live in relationships

I’ve been reading a lot on live in relationships in the past few days. Almost everyone has his/her views on this. Even I’ve had a few live in relationships (none of them were ‘official’ live ins but we stayed together for all practical purposes)

 

I don’t think I need to tell you that all of them failed. And though I wouldn’t blame the live in entirely, but it did play a major role in the break ups.

 

Lets face it – there is nothing called a perfect match. We all have shortcomings and we all have our own ugly side. Its just that these are hidden traits and come out slowly. If you are meeting somebody for few hours in a day, you will definitely be at your best. If you love somebody, you would do everything to make her/him feel good in those few hours of the day.

 

Its only when you start living with somebody, that your true self comes out. I’m not trying to say that we all act otherwise. Its just that we want to give the best to our partners even when it means compromising at times. But the fact is that you cannot continue like that all the time.

 

If you are living together, you learn many more things about your partner – things you wouldn’t know otherwise. There will be times when you are feeling low and take it out on your partner. A time will come when you will tell her about her bad habits or other small little things which you would ignore otherwise.

 

A very simple question – how many of us wouldn’t want to check our partner’s phone while he/she is sleeping? A simple SMS or a casual call on her phone late at night (from anyone) can be a big issue if you are feeling let down due to other reasons.

 

I have experienced it many times. There is one incidence I’ll never forget in my life. I got a call from one of my ex girlfriends at around midnight. It was a very casual call. But my girlfriend at that point of time (and she was living with me) didn’t like it at all. I remember we had a huge fight then (it was our first big fight). Finally we slept – not to mention on either side of the bed . And then, at around 3 in the morning, my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend call her when he was drunk. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She was so embarrassed. We both laughed it off later on. But I still believe that was the beginning of the end. We both saw each other’s ugly side for the first time and literally abusing each other.

 

How many times we have had big fights over small issues like smoking inside the room, TV, bedsheets, AC, shoes and other small things. I remember one of my ex girlfriends didn’t let me wear my favorite shorts for 2 years because for some reason she didn’t like them (I’ve a feeling she knew it was gifted to me by this other lady I was dating for some time before her).

 

One school of thought would say its a good thing. You get to know such things before marriage and then you can decide whether it’s worth it or not. But my point is that nobody is perfect and hence there is nothing called a perfect match. There will always be issues and fights in all relationships whether you are married or have a live in.

 

Its just that unlike a marriage, Live in gives you more freedom. Specially you know its relatively easier to walk out. Nobody wants to compromise when you think you have an option. Again, I’m not saying that married couple don’t have options – everyone has options. Its just that it tough to do such things when you are married and hence you are more practical rather then being emotional.

 

What it means is you will give more to save your marriage then to save your Live in relationship. I’m not suggesting that married people shall learn to compromise more. But the fact is that every relationship has good and ugly part of it. Its always a two way thing – you get some, you lose some. And we should, by no mean, let smaller issues affect the relationship.

 

I’ve this cold problem but I did sleep with AC on for one of my girlfriends. The other one changed her habits and made it a point to hit the bed only after shower because she knew I liked it.

 

The bottom line is that we all have to compromise to make a relationship work. No matter how deep you are in love, you start finding few things irritating after a point. And thats true with almost all the relationships. The only difference is that in a Live in, somewhere inside you are more receptive to the idea of walking out of a relationship as compared to marriages.

 

And no matter how many times you walk out of relationships over small issues, you will have to deal with other smaller issues in your next relationships, and this will never end.

 

I’m not against Live Ins. It does help in knowing your partner better. And most of the times, you do come across certain things which would help you decide if its worth it or not. But we need to be more practical while deciding which are the important factors and which are the smaller ones. You will never walk out of a marriage because your wife wants you to brush your teeth before hitting the bed, but in a Live in, you always know you have a choice – no matter how much you love your partner.

 

We all act super cool – part II

Well, all this while when I was thinking about what to do after the realisation ( we all act “super cool), my best friend Ships, has gone ahead and done her bit for me. After our discussion, she got emotional (I keep telling her – she is an emotional fool), and messaged one of my ex girlfriends – telling her what she feels.

She is Ships for you – as emotional as ever. I honestly feel she shouldn’t have done this. But then, there are so many things which I never approved but she did. In fact there are so many things which she never approved but I went ahead with them.

All I can say is that nobody else would have done something like this on “my behalf”, mainly because nobody would dare to. But then she is Ships, and she dared because she thinks about me – as much as she thinks about herself.

And next day when she told me, she said sorry to me and acknowledged the fact that she shouldn’t have done this. And I told her not to worry – though I feel it was a very silly thing to do. But she is a sweetheart and is allowed such mistakes.

But then we come back to the same thing. What shall I do? I don’t know yet. I was contemplating calling all such people to say hi – now that’s out. So we are back to square 1. But I’m sure of one thing – I’ll not act super cool anymore.