Live in relationships

I’ve been reading a lot on live in relationships in the past few days. Almost everyone has his/her views on this. Even I’ve had a few live in relationships (none of them were ‘official’ live ins but we stayed together for all practical purposes)

 

I don’t think I need to tell you that all of them failed. And though I wouldn’t blame the live in entirely, but it did play a major role in the break ups.

 

Lets face it – there is nothing called a perfect match. We all have shortcomings and we all have our own ugly side. Its just that these are hidden traits and come out slowly. If you are meeting somebody for few hours in a day, you will definitely be at your best. If you love somebody, you would do everything to make her/him feel good in those few hours of the day.

 

Its only when you start living with somebody, that your true self comes out. I’m not trying to say that we all act otherwise. Its just that we want to give the best to our partners even when it means compromising at times. But the fact is that you cannot continue like that all the time.

 

If you are living together, you learn many more things about your partner – things you wouldn’t know otherwise. There will be times when you are feeling low and take it out on your partner. A time will come when you will tell her about her bad habits or other small little things which you would ignore otherwise.

 

A very simple question – how many of us wouldn’t want to check our partner’s phone while he/she is sleeping? A simple SMS or a casual call on her phone late at night (from anyone) can be a big issue if you are feeling let down due to other reasons.

 

I have experienced it many times. There is one incidence I’ll never forget in my life. I got a call from one of my ex girlfriends at around midnight. It was a very casual call. But my girlfriend at that point of time (and she was living with me) didn’t like it at all. I remember we had a huge fight then (it was our first big fight). Finally we slept – not to mention on either side of the bed . And then, at around 3 in the morning, my girlfriend’s ex boyfriend call her when he was drunk. I’ll never forget the look on her face. She was so embarrassed. We both laughed it off later on. But I still believe that was the beginning of the end. We both saw each other’s ugly side for the first time and literally abusing each other.

 

How many times we have had big fights over small issues like smoking inside the room, TV, bedsheets, AC, shoes and other small things. I remember one of my ex girlfriends didn’t let me wear my favorite shorts for 2 years because for some reason she didn’t like them (I’ve a feeling she knew it was gifted to me by this other lady I was dating for some time before her).

 

One school of thought would say its a good thing. You get to know such things before marriage and then you can decide whether it’s worth it or not. But my point is that nobody is perfect and hence there is nothing called a perfect match. There will always be issues and fights in all relationships whether you are married or have a live in.

 

Its just that unlike a marriage, Live in gives you more freedom. Specially you know its relatively easier to walk out. Nobody wants to compromise when you think you have an option. Again, I’m not saying that married couple don’t have options – everyone has options. Its just that it tough to do such things when you are married and hence you are more practical rather then being emotional.

 

What it means is you will give more to save your marriage then to save your Live in relationship. I’m not suggesting that married people shall learn to compromise more. But the fact is that every relationship has good and ugly part of it. Its always a two way thing – you get some, you lose some. And we should, by no mean, let smaller issues affect the relationship.

 

I’ve this cold problem but I did sleep with AC on for one of my girlfriends. The other one changed her habits and made it a point to hit the bed only after shower because she knew I liked it.

 

The bottom line is that we all have to compromise to make a relationship work. No matter how deep you are in love, you start finding few things irritating after a point. And thats true with almost all the relationships. The only difference is that in a Live in, somewhere inside you are more receptive to the idea of walking out of a relationship as compared to marriages.

 

And no matter how many times you walk out of relationships over small issues, you will have to deal with other smaller issues in your next relationships, and this will never end.

 

I’m not against Live Ins. It does help in knowing your partner better. And most of the times, you do come across certain things which would help you decide if its worth it or not. But we need to be more practical while deciding which are the important factors and which are the smaller ones. You will never walk out of a marriage because your wife wants you to brush your teeth before hitting the bed, but in a Live in, you always know you have a choice – no matter how much you love your partner.

 

Commitment Freak

Instance I

 

This weekend I was at my friend’s place in Colaba. She had some work at Nariman Point so she had left me promising she will be back in an hour’s time. I was thinking what to do when Shlok called me up. Shlok, along with Gandhi, is my school time friend and if there is one person who knows me inside out, its him.

 

He started with “Gandhi and I have been talking about you lately, and i want to discuss something very important with you”. (just for your info, Gandhi got married this year after dating the girl for around a year, and Shlok is dating a girl for close to 10 years now). These two guys know about (almost) all my girlfriends.

 

And for next 30 mins, Shlok was explaining how and why I should settle down now with a single woman. He was certainly not happy about the fact that I’ve been with many women in last few years but I’ve not managed to settle down with anyone of them. In very few words he told me that i should take my relationships seriously and settle down now. He also pointed out how I’ve always come out with different excuses for all my break-ups (though i never thought they were excuses).

 

What’s baffling me is that two of my oldest friends actually discussed my relationships (or rather the failed relationships) and they genuinely think there is some problem with me when it comes to “commitment”

 

Instance II

 

I was watching this new movie, “Bachna ai haseeno” with my cousins. One of them is elder to me and is staying with me for last 9 years. The younger one stays in Pune and we keep meeting very often.

 

During the interval, both of them discussed something with each other, looked at me and started laughing. And when I asked them, the younger one told me that he could relate my life to the movie and that I would suffer the same faith as the hero of the movie.

 

For all of you who didn’t watch the movie, the hero dated several women in the movie but was scared of being “committed” to any one of them. Hence he kept finding excuses to get out of his relationships even when he loved all of them. And after a point of time, he found himself all alone without love.

 

 

Instance III

 

A couple of months ago, a friend of mine introduced me to this girl from Delhi. She had just shifted to Mumbai. My friend jokingly told me (in front of her) to stay away from her as she was already seeing somebody in Delhi.

 

Now this girl was very sweet and genuine and was madly in love with this guy in Delhi. I used to meet her once or twice a week for dinner or coffee. Once we were sitting at a coffee shop after dinner when we discovered that we have a common friend in Delhi. So she called him and told him that she was sitting with me. The guy immediately asked her to give the phone to me and when i said hello to him (and he is a good friend of mine – we have had some good time in Delhi), the first thing he told me was to be careful with the girl as she was very nice and sweet and she was already seeing someone else.

 

 

Trust me, I always thought she was a very nice girl and I always admired the way she talked about her boyfriend. And i never flirted with her – didn’t even try to.

 

So, the question is – Is there something wrong with me? It will be stupid to think that so many people are wrong in my assessment or the way they think about me. My best friend (she’s been with me for 5 years now and knows about all my escapades during this time) calls me a “commitment freak” . Another one thinks I cannot be loyal to any woman.

 

I had a tough time asking out one of Ex girlfriends as she was told that she might end up being another one in the list. Trust me i really really liked her and had no such intentions – but she actually ended up being just another one. And it was not entirely my fault. She was as much part of the failure as I was.

 

All these things make me think. I agree I’ve been with quite a few women in last 4-5 years. Most of them i always knew wouldn’t work out. And yes, i didn’t want to commit to anyone of them (i was confused in few cases though). But in my defense, how can i commit if I’m not very sure? I know there cannot be anyone perfect, but then i still have a choice and I’ll keep trying till its really late.

 

Do i regret not being with any of my these women? Well, i don’t think so. At times i really wanted to be with few of them, but i was never very sure if i wanted to spend my whole life with them.

 

In the hindsight, I do regret not doing enough to make two of my relationships work. One was my first serious relationship. She was a lovely lady and a wonderful person. She’s had a great influence in my life in my growing up years.

 

The second started with the lovely coffee date when i came down from Kerala to Mumbai. Nobody has made me feel so special. At times i feel lucky to even have somebody like her in my life. A beautiful lady with a beautiful heart, who did everything possible to make me happy. In fact, she was just too good for me.

 

Both of these ladies are happily married now and I always wish the best for them. And these were cases where the ladies were much better then me.

 

So the bottom line is that i might be scared of “commitment” but thats also because I’ve hardly met the right lady for myself. And even when such instances worry me at times, I’ll go on till the time i find the right woman. I might have to settle down with “not the perfect” lady someday but till then I’ll not give up and keep trying. As one of my ex girlfriends would say – “You never give up na?”(though i gave up on her in less then a year)