I might be a self-centered, over-confident psycopath – but I’m happy

This time when I was in Delhi, I got to spend a lot of time with 2 of my very old friends. We have known each other for more then 15 years now. We spent hours talking about all the good and the bad things we have done together and how life has changed for all of us. And both of them agreed that among the three of us, I’m the one who’s changed completely – specially in last 5-6 years. And in their opinion, I haven’t changed for good. They thought I was a much better friend and a human being before.

The other day, while working till late, I met another friend online. She was one of my best buddies during my initial years in Mumbai – one of the best friends I’ve ever had. Now she is settled in US. During the course of our conversation, she told me that at times she feels she doesn’t know me anymore. She was also very sure that I’m no longer the Pratyush she knew.

Last Wednesday, I didn’t feel like going home early. So I called a lady who’s become a very good friend of mine lately. She took me to this very nice place for wine and dinner. After a few glasses of wine, she somehow started on how she’s seen me changing in last 2 year. She thought I was much more charming and fun to be with when we met initially. She thought I was more receptive to other people’s ideas, feelings and opinions when she met me around 2 years ago. She thought I’ve shut myself off from most of the people around me and have become extremely moody.

My cousin, who’s been staying with me for 10 years now, often says that I’m a ’self-centered and over-confident Psychopath’. He thinks lately I’ve become too self-centered, selfish and emotionless and have no feelings for others around me.

My best friend often tells me that I’ve changed a lot. I’m no more the patient, responsible guy who would think of everyone around him, make plans accordingly and make sure that everyone is happy. She thinks I’ve lost the art of listening and analyzing situations keeping myself out of the equation.

I do agree with her, and everyone else. After all, these are the people who have been close to me for years and know me well enough to pass their judgment on me. These are the people who have seen me changing over the years.

And yes, if I think about it, I have changed a lot over the years. I’m no longer the guy who used to be loved by everyone. Yes, I’m more self-centered and selfish now. And yes, I’m far less accommodating and short tempered then what I was even a year ago.

And to be honest, I don’t know how, when and why did I change. And it wasn’t intentional for sure. Maybe, one thing led to another and I decided to be this new Pratyush. Or maybe, I was tired of being this nice guy, I was tired of being a good friend and a good human being all the time. And a part of it may also be attributed to the situations in life – as Victor Frankl once said,‘When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.’

I no longer want to think about others before taking a decision about my life. I no longer want to do things to make others happy. And maybe I don’t want to share my happiness or pain with others around me.

Just to give you an example, I no longer worry about the safety and security of the ladies with me when I go out partying. Instead, I’m among the first ones to gulp few glasses of wine and get high within minutes. I know I’m being selfish every time I do it – but the fact is that I enjoy the parties much more then I ever did. And I might not be the gentleman I once used to be when most of the times my Ladies’ friends drop me home after parties – but I do know that I enjoy every bit of it. In fact, I’ve never been a party animal but now I start making plans for the weekend on Monday itself – definitely not the perfect and nice guy I used to be – but somebody who enjoys himself without thinking much about making this world a better place to live.

Maybe I was always like this or maybe I always wanted to be like this. As it is said,’ What you have become is the price you paid to get what you used to want.’

Yes I’ve changed a lot. And maybe even this phase will get over and I’ll again be the nice guy everyone wanted me to be. But till then, they will have to do with this ’self-centered, selfish and over-confident psychopath’

As George Bernard Shaw once said, ‘ The only man I know who behaves sensibly is my tailor; he takes my measurements anew each time he sees me. The rest go on with their old measurements and expect me to fit them.’

Too many coincidences??

I was reading about Ameila Earheart this weekend. In 1937, Amelia decided to become the first woman to fly around the world. The attempt wasn’t successful, making her a mysterious legend, but her dream and example as a female pilot showed that women can succeed in a man’s world. She had a difficult past and always maintained that her past experiences and people she met made her what she is today. She once said –

‘You can’t leave the past behind because its always showing up in every song you hear, every block you walk; but yet you never want to get rid of it because at times, for some reason, it’s where you want to be – the happier moments makes you happy even today. And sad moments are worth everything because you learn from them.’

I thought this was very interesting – and maybe true. But I didn’t think much about it and moved on to read more about her accomplishments and struggles. In between, I got a call from an old friend from Delhi who was in town and was trying to meet me for a couple of days now. For some reason, I had been avoiding her – not that I didn’t want to meet her but maybe I was too lazy to make an effort. But when she called again, I decided to meet her for lunch the next day.

I had a meeting in Lower Parel which I scheduled post lunch so that I could meet my friend for lunch and then proceed for the meeting from there. We decided to meet at Bandra at around noon.

When I was on my way to meet her, I crossed the Head Office of one of the leading MNC Banks in India. Its right next to my office so I see it almost everyday. But that day, when I saw it, I thought of what I read last night – and automatically, thought of my ‘connections’ with the Bank. It might sound like a very strange coincidence, but quite a few number of people who have been an important part of my life in the recent past, have been connected with this Bank one way or the other – including few of the ladies I have dated.

And till the time I reached Bandra, I was thinking about all of them and the good / bad times we have had together – some really nice memories. I realized that I’ve lost touch with almost all of them.

And when I met this friend of mine for lunch, I realized the mistake I was making by not meeting her. We were meeting almost after a year but we took off as if we meet every day. Both of us have some very good memories together In Mumbai as well as Delhi. We had such a good time that we decided to meet again after my meeting in Parel. I promised her that I’ll call her after the meeting and we will go to town together. Infact she dropped me till Parel on her way to town.

And while walking towards the meeting place, I was trying to figure out the reasons why I don’t try and stay in touch with her. Everytime I’ve met her, we have had a good time. But for some weird reasons, I hardly make an effort to stay in touch with her.

With these thoughts in my mind, when I suddenly looked around, I figured out that I was standing at a place where my best friend’s office was on one side, my ex girlfriend’s office on the other, and my ex Boss’s office was right in front of me.

And my first reaction was – Shit!! I shouldn’t be here (the only person I wanted to meet was my best friend). And just when I started walking quickly to get away from the place, I thought of them and asked myself – Why? All of them have had a major impact in my life at some point or the other, and why am I trying to avoid them?

I was still deep in my thoughts when I realized that my phone was ringing. And to my surprise, it was my Ex boss’s call (another coincidence?). I told him I was around and he called me for coffee. We sat for almost 30 minutes and I must say it was a very productive meeting.

After meeting him, I went for my meeting which lasted for almost an hour and when I came out of the meeting, I was very tired and the first thing that I did was to call my Delhi friend and told her that I won’t be meeting her (I guess I was again being myself – avoiding people for no reason).

I went to see my best friend in her office and after spending some time with her, I decided to get back to my office. And just when i came out of the complex, I noticed the building on the other side of the road. And first time in almost a year, I realized that one of my best friends during my college days works there in that building. She was one of my closest friends for almost 6-7 years before we stopped talking almost a year ago. And to be honest, I don’t know why. I never bothered to ask why she stopped calling me suddenly and I never called her to find out.

I was standing there for some time, not sure what to do. I was contemplating calling her when I realized it was her birthday the next day. So I decided to call her the next day – and I knew I have to meet her soon. She is too good a friend to lose without any reason. And as an Irish proverb says – ‘ The best looking glass is the eye of a true friend. Never lose them’.

And on my way back, I was thinking about Amelia Earheart’s views on the past memories and wondering if it had something to do with all the coincidences during the day. It had indeed been a very strange day. In few hours, circumstances brought me face to face with lots of missing links in my life. Few of my closest friends, girlfriends, colleagues, and others who were an important part of my life once.

I thought of a couple of them and the manner in which we parted ways. Things could have been better. I remember reading a book long ago which ended with these words – ‘Now they ignore each other and look the other way. But they both know deep down inside that it wasn’t supposed to end this way.’ I always thought it was the saddest possible ending. Somewhere down the line I managed doing it to myself. I could have done better, or I can still make it better.

I’m sure I’ll meet these guys someday in life. And I know its going to be good. Because you just cannot erase the memories that you share with your loved ones before you said good-bye to them. And George Bernard Shaw once said -

‘Don’t be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends or were ever close to each other’s hearts.’